I don\u2019t think I had good sex until the end of my 20s.
In my early 20s, I ranted and raved about how ~AMAZING~ my sex life was. I had a ton of it, I talked endlessly about it to my friends and I felt, like, so sexually liberated, baby.
In all fairness, I\u2019m pretty sure I did truly think my sex life was amazing.
But what I realize now is, I didn\u2019t even know what amazing sex was. I was confusing the high of turning someone else on for the high of amazing sex.
And while getting someone hot and bothered is definitely sexy, amazing sex is far more nuanced than simply turning your partner on.
There was a dramatic shift in my sex life when I reached the nether regions of my 20s, and I soon realized there were rules you needed to live by if you wanted to have an amazing sex life.
Maybe you\u2019re like me, and you have a visceral reaction to the word \u201crules.\u201d Perhaps it brings back memories of sitting in a steel chair after school in detention.
But, babes, the rules I\u2019m about to bestow on you are not the kind of oppressive rules you had in high school or at your soul-crushing job.
I\u2019m going to give you what my therapist calls a \u201creparative\u201d experience with rules. These rules are positive rules that are going to make your sex life amazing \u2014 rules I learned the hard way. (I find everything out the hard way.)
1. Sex is never an obligation.
I know this sounds obvious, but do you know how much sexual obligation I felt when I was super young?
If the dinner was expensive, I felt obligated to fuck her. If she was super kind and liked me a lot, I felt obligated to fuck her.
I had sex out of guilt, I had sex to be \u201cnice\u201d and I had sex because it just seemed like something people did.
\u201cI had sex out of guilt, to be \u2018nice\u2019 and because it just seemed like something people did.\u201d
Anytime I felt obligated to have sex, it royally sucked. You just go through the motions. Your brain is somewhere, while your body is somewhere else. Everything is disconnected.
If you want to have amazing sex it should only come from the fact that you feel like having sex \u2014 that\u2019s it.
2. Let go of being perfectly groomed all the time.
Some of the best sex I\u2019ve ever had has been the most spontaneous sex I\u2019ve ever had: being pulled into a bathroom stall by the girl I\u2019m hooking up with on an impromptu night out or wildly going at it on the kitchen table in the middle of the day.
All of this sex was unplanned, so it had an added element of surprise \u2014 a layer of thrill and impulsivity.
But I was never prepared in these moments. And by prepared, I mean groomed.
I had not shaved my legs (or other body parts) that day. I wasn\u2019t wearing my sexiest pair of underwear. My hair was a wreck, and I wasn\u2019t wearing makeup or splashed with a hearty dose of perfume.
As I got older, I realized you have to let perfection go. If you say no to new experiences (sexual experiences especially) because you\u2019re not \u201cperfect,\u201d you\u2019re going to miss out on a lot of memorable adventures that make life worth living.
3. Masturbate as much as possible.
Every sexpert on the internet will feed the same jargon: \u201cYou can\u2019t expect someone else to make you feel good until you make yourself feel good.\u201d
I hate to say it, but those smug bitches with their smug master\u2019s degrees in human sexuality are right.
The more you get it on with yourself, the better sexual communicator you\u2019ll be, and mind-blowing sex is all about being able to fearlessly communicate.
Which leads me to my next rule\u2026
4. Communicate.
Never be afraid to describe to your partner \u2014 in ultra-specific detail \u2014 what feels good.
\u201cNever be afraid to describe to your partner \u2014 in ultra-specific detail \u2014 what feels good.\u201d
Even the most sexually advanced people in the world aren\u2019t going to know intrinsically what specific spot makes your body tick. (And when they do, they\u2019re usually toxic people. I don\u2019t know why the universe is just unfair like that.)
5. Fantasize, fantasize, fantasize.
When you give yourself time to fantasize, you\u2019re giving your imagination some much-needed restorative playtime. The imagination discovers brilliant new things when it\u2019s untethered and running wild.
\u201cThe imagination discovers brilliant new things when it\u2019s untethered and running wild.\u201d
And when you let yourself fantasize, you\u2019ll tap into all the ~unexpected~ things that really get you off, girl.
6. Let go of any shame you feel surrounding sex.
It\u2019s hard to be female and not be ashamed of your sexuality. We\u2019re raised to feel like sex is something we only do to please others. And if we enjoy sex, we\u2019re dirty sluts.
But you know what? Maybe we are dirty sluts, but who says being a dirty slut is a negative thing?
If being a dirty slut means I\u2019m a woman who fantasizes freely, has incredible sex whenever she wants and doesn\u2019t attach her self-worth to how many (or how few) people she\u2019s slept with, then I\u2019m happy and proud to be a dirty slut!
\u201cI\u2019m happy and proud to be a dirty slut.\u201d
So let go of the shame, girl. The only reason society has pressured you into feeling ashamed for being sexual is because of how unbelievably powerful your sexuality is.
Just because society is afraid of your powerful sexual prowess, doesn\u2019t mean you have to be. Own it. Rock it. Express it. Once you unleash the deeply sexual part of yourself, you become more powerful in every other part of your life.
And trust me, no one fucks with girls who own their sexuality.
credit: EliteDaily<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"