I don’t think I had good sex until the end of my 20s.
In my early 20s, I ranted and raved about how ~AMAZING~ my sex life was. I had a ton of it, I talked endlessly about it to my friends and I felt, like, so sexually liberated, baby.
In all fairness, I’m pretty sure I did truly think my sex life was amazing.
But what I realize now is, I didn’t even know what amazing sex was. I was confusing the high of turning someone else on for the high of amazing sex.
And while getting someone hot and bothered is definitely sexy, amazing sex is far more nuanced than simply turning your partner on.
There was a dramatic shift in my sex life when I reached the nether regions of my 20s, and I soon realized there were rules you needed to live by if you wanted to have an amazing sex life.
Maybe you’re like me, and you have a visceral reaction to the word “rules.” Perhaps it brings back memories of sitting in a steel chair after school in detention.
But, babes, the rules I’m about to bestow on you are not the kind of oppressive rules you had in high school or at your soul-crushing job.
I’m going to give you what my therapist calls a “reparative” experience with rules. These rules are positive rules that are going to make your sex life amazing — rules I learned the hard way. (I find everything out the hard way.)
1. Sex is never an obligation.
I know this sounds obvious, but do you know how much sexual obligation I felt when I was super young?
If the dinner was expensive, I felt obligated to fuck her. If she was super kind and liked me a lot, I felt obligated to fuck her.
I had sex out of guilt, I had sex to be “nice” and I had sex because it just seemed like something people did.
“I had sex out of guilt, to be ‘nice’ and because it just seemed like something people did.”
Anytime I felt obligated to have sex, it royally sucked. You just go through the motions. Your brain is somewhere, while your body is somewhere else. Everything is disconnected.
If you want to have amazing sex it should only come from the fact that you feel like having sex — that’s it.
2. Let go of being perfectly groomed all the time.
Some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been the most spontaneous sex I’ve ever had: being pulled into a bathroom stall by the girl I’m hooking up with on an impromptu night out or wildly going at it on the kitchen table in the middle of the day.
All of this sex was unplanned, so it had an added element of surprise — a layer of thrill and impulsivity.
But I was never prepared in these moments. And by prepared, I mean groomed.
I had not shaved my legs (or other body parts) that day. I wasn’t wearing my sexiest pair of underwear. My hair was a wreck, and I wasn’t wearing makeup or splashed with a hearty dose of perfume.
As I got older, I realized you have to let perfection go. If you say no to new experiences (sexual experiences especially) because you’re not “perfect,” you’re going to miss out on a lot of memorable adventures that make life worth living.
3. Masturbate as much as possible.
Every sexpert on the internet will feed the same jargon: “You can’t expect someone else to make you feel good until you make yourself feel good.”
I hate to say it, but those smug bitches with their smug master’s degrees in human sexuality are right.
The more you get it on with yourself, the better sexual communicator you’ll be, and mind-blowing sex is all about being able to fearlessly communicate.
Which leads me to my next rule…
Never be afraid to describe to your partner — in ultra-specific detail — what feels good.
“Never be afraid to describe to your partner — in ultra-specific detail — what feels good.”
Even the most sexually advanced people in the world aren’t going to know intrinsically what specific spot makes your body tick. (And when they do, they’re usually toxic people. I don’t know why the universe is just unfair like that.)
5. Fantasize, fantasize, fantasize.
When you give yourself time to fantasize, you’re giving your imagination some much-needed restorative playtime. The imagination discovers brilliant new things when it’s untethered and running wild.
“The imagination discovers brilliant new things when it’s untethered and running wild.”
And when you let yourself fantasize, you’ll tap into all the ~unexpected~ things that really get you off, girl.
6. Let go of any shame you feel surrounding sex.
It’s hard to be female and not be ashamed of your sexuality. We’re raised to feel like sex is something we only do to please others. And if we enjoy sex, we’re dirty sluts.
But you know what? Maybe we are dirty sluts, but who says being a dirty slut is a negative thing?
If being a dirty slut means I’m a woman who fantasizes freely, has incredible sex whenever she wants and doesn’t attach her self-worth to how many (or how few) people she’s slept with, then I’m happy and proud to be a dirty slut!
“I’m happy and proud to be a dirty slut.”
So let go of the shame, girl. The only reason society has pressured you into feeling ashamed for being sexual is because of how unbelievably powerful your sexuality is.
Just because society is afraid of your powerful sexual prowess, doesn’t mean you have to be. Own it. Rock it. Express it. Once you unleash the deeply sexual part of yourself, you become more powerful in every other part of your life.
And trust me, no one fucks with girls who own their sexuality.
I don’t think I had good sex until the end of my 20s.
Publish on Apt
Do you have any Social, informational, educational or entertaining stuff that should be featured on www.aptnewsghana.com?
Please submit your stories, pictures, and videos to us via WhatsApp: +233548388489 or click on the icon on your screen. Alternatively, email us: email@example.com
- Digitalisation of economic sectors will kick-start a new growth cycle after COVID-19, Africa’s Development Dynamics report shows January 20, 2021Download logoThe response to the COVID-19 crisis builds momentum for Africa’s digital transformation to overcome the pandemic and create more productive jobs, according to the 2021 edition of Africa’s Development Dynamics (AfDD) launched today. The COVID‑19 pandemic is the hardest shock to African economies in 25 years. Gross domestic product (GDP) has decreased in 41 […]
- African Development Bank, European Investment Bank sign Joint Partnership Action Plan to fast-track development in Africa January 20, 2021Download logoThe African Development Bank (AfDB) (www.AfDB.org) and the European Investment Bank (EIB) today signed a joint partnership action plan highlighting their strengthened cooperation and mutual development priorities and a strong shared emphasis on boosting public and private sector investment in Africa. The Joint Action Plan enables both institutions to grow a shared pipeline of […]
- Joint Statement on Mozambique by United Nations Regional Directors for Southern and Eastern Africa January 20, 2021Download logoEscalating conflict and a deteriorating humanitarian situation in Cabo Delgado has left communities completely reliant on humanitarian assistance. According to the Government, attacks by non-state groups have forced more than 565,000 people to flee their homes and villages, abandoning their crops and livelihoods. Last December, the United Nations Regional Directors for Eastern and Southern […]
- MSF emergency team responds to worrying health needs in Riang, South Sudan, with high rates of malaria January 20, 2021Download logoMédecins Sans Frontières/Doctors Without Borders (MSF) is concerned about the situation in Riang, in Jonglei state, eastern South Sudan, where the health of communities is increasingly at risk. In January, an MSF emergency team flew into Riang and found remote communities struggling to access clean water, safe water storage, latrines and basic healthcare. Years […]
- UNSMIL announces that Libyan Political Dialogue Forum (LPDF) approves the proposal of selection mechanism of executive authority for the preparatory period January 20, 2021Following the agreement on a proposal for the selection mechanism of a unified executive authority, reached by the Advisory Committee of the Libyan Political Dialogue Forum (LPDF) in Geneva on 16 January, the United Nations Support Mission in Libya (UNSMIL) conducted a one-day voting process, from Monday 18 January 10:00 AM to Tuesday 19 January […]
- Customers demand greater digital engagement from Communication Service Providers (CSPs) January 20, 2021The COVID-19 pandemic is accelerating the move to digital, as large proportions of the population have continued to work, learn and be entertained remotely, while others have trialled services such as remote health care for the first time. These were amongst the findings of a recent Amdocs (www.Amdocs.com) survey (https://bit.ly/3956itb) of 1,000 US consumers. The […]
- Coronavirus - Zimbabwe: COVID-19 update (19 January 2021) January 20, 2021Download logo783 new cases of COVID-19 in Zimbabwe and 52 deaths. Bulawayo - 26 Harare - 251 Manicaland - 44 Mash Central - 156 Mash East - 76 Mash West - 120 Midlands - 51 Masvingo - 41 Mat North - 10 Mat South - 8 28 675 confirmed cases 18 110 recoveries 825 deathsDistributed […]
- Coronavirus - South Africa: COVID-19 update (19 January 2021) January 20, 2021Test conducted: 7 700 019 Positive cases identified: 1 356 716 Total recoveries: 1 144 857 Total deaths: 38 288 New cases: 9 780Distributed by APO Group on behalf of Republic of South Africa, Department of Health.Media filesDownload logo
- Coronavirus - Eswatini: COVID-19 update (19 January 2021) January 20, 2021Download logoHealth Minister Lizzie Nkosi announces 19 new COVID-19 deaths in Eswatini, taking total deaths to 403. "May their souls rest in peace." New cases: 256 Total cases: 13 443 Active cases: 4272 New recoveries: 138 Total recoveries: 8512 New deaths: 19 Total deaths: 403Distributed by APO Group on behalf of Ministry of Health, Government […]
- Coronavirus: African Union Member States reporting COVID-19 cases as of 19 January 2021, 6 pm EAT January 20, 2021African Union Member States (55) reporting COVID-19 cases (3,288,950) deaths (79782), and recoveries (2,721,185) by region: Central (82,523 cases; 1,556 deaths; 71,272 recoveries): Burundi (1,245; 2; 773), Cameroon (28,010; 455; 26,861), CAR (4,974; 63; 4,902), Chad (2,919; 113; 2,148), Congo (7,709; 114; 5,860), DRC (21,140; 640; 14,812), Equatorial Guinea (5,365; 86; 5,191), Gabon (10,019; 66; […]