I don’t think I had good sex until the end of my 20s.
In my early 20s, I ranted and raved about how ~AMAZING~ my sex life was. I had a ton of it, I talked endlessly about it to my friends and I felt, like, so sexually liberated, baby.
In all fairness, I’m pretty sure I did truly think my sex life was amazing.
But what I realize now is, I didn’t even know what amazing sex was. I was confusing the high of turning someone else on for the high of amazing sex.
And while getting someone hot and bothered is definitely sexy, amazing sex is far more nuanced than simply turning your partner on.
There was a dramatic shift in my sex life when I reached the nether regions of my 20s, and I soon realized there were rules you needed to live by if you wanted to have an amazing sex life.
Maybe you’re like me, and you have a visceral reaction to the word “rules.” Perhaps it brings back memories of sitting in a steel chair after school in detention.
But, babes, the rules I’m about to bestow on you are not the kind of oppressive rules you had in high school or at your soul-crushing job.
I’m going to give you what my therapist calls a “reparative” experience with rules. These rules are positive rules that are going to make your sex life amazing — rules I learned the hard way. (I find everything out the hard way.)
1. Sex is never an obligation.
I know this sounds obvious, but do you know how much sexual obligation I felt when I was super young?
If the dinner was expensive, I felt obligated to fuck her. If she was super kind and liked me a lot, I felt obligated to fuck her.
I had sex out of guilt, I had sex to be “nice” and I had sex because it just seemed like something people did.
“I had sex out of guilt, to be ‘nice’ and because it just seemed like something people did.”
Anytime I felt obligated to have sex, it royally sucked. You just go through the motions. Your brain is somewhere, while your body is somewhere else. Everything is disconnected.
If you want to have amazing sex it should only come from the fact that you feel like having sex — that’s it.
2. Let go of being perfectly groomed all the time.
Some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been the most spontaneous sex I’ve ever had: being pulled into a bathroom stall by the girl I’m hooking up with on an impromptu night out or wildly going at it on the kitchen table in the middle of the day.
All of this sex was unplanned, so it had an added element of surprise — a layer of thrill and impulsivity.
But I was never prepared in these moments. And by prepared, I mean groomed.
I had not shaved my legs (or other body parts) that day. I wasn’t wearing my sexiest pair of underwear. My hair was a wreck, and I wasn’t wearing makeup or splashed with a hearty dose of perfume.
As I got older, I realized you have to let perfection go. If you say no to new experiences (sexual experiences especially) because you’re not “perfect,” you’re going to miss out on a lot of memorable adventures that make life worth living.
3. Masturbate as much as possible.
Every sexpert on the internet will feed the same jargon: “You can’t expect someone else to make you feel good until you make yourself feel good.”
I hate to say it, but those smug bitches with their smug master’s degrees in human sexuality are right.
The more you get it on with yourself, the better sexual communicator you’ll be, and mind-blowing sex is all about being able to fearlessly communicate.
Which leads me to my next rule…
Never be afraid to describe to your partner — in ultra-specific detail — what feels good.
“Never be afraid to describe to your partner — in ultra-specific detail — what feels good.”
Even the most sexually advanced people in the world aren’t going to know intrinsically what specific spot makes your body tick. (And when they do, they’re usually toxic people. I don’t know why the universe is just unfair like that.)
5. Fantasize, fantasize, fantasize.
When you give yourself time to fantasize, you’re giving your imagination some much-needed restorative playtime. The imagination discovers brilliant new things when it’s untethered and running wild.
“The imagination discovers brilliant new things when it’s untethered and running wild.”
And when you let yourself fantasize, you’ll tap into all the ~unexpected~ things that really get you off, girl.
6. Let go of any shame you feel surrounding sex.
It’s hard to be female and not be ashamed of your sexuality. We’re raised to feel like sex is something we only do to please others. And if we enjoy sex, we’re dirty sluts.
But you know what? Maybe we are dirty sluts, but who says being a dirty slut is a negative thing?
If being a dirty slut means I’m a woman who fantasizes freely, has incredible sex whenever she wants and doesn’t attach her self-worth to how many (or how few) people she’s slept with, then I’m happy and proud to be a dirty slut!
“I’m happy and proud to be a dirty slut.”
So let go of the shame, girl. The only reason society has pressured you into feeling ashamed for being sexual is because of how unbelievably powerful your sexuality is.
Just because society is afraid of your powerful sexual prowess, doesn’t mean you have to be. Own it. Rock it. Express it. Once you unleash the deeply sexual part of yourself, you become more powerful in every other part of your life.
And trust me, no one fucks with girls who own their sexuality.
I don’t think I had good sex until the end of my 20s.
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